Our generation is made up of so much walking, talking art. We found a way to make the things we love come with us for the rest of our lives on this crazy and beautiful journey called life, and that my friend is a beautiful thing.

You know you hate your job when you actually hope the steak you ate gives you food poisoning just so you can stay home.. Sigh, hope the place I applied at at least gives me an interview! :(:(

I feel as though my life has become somewhat tipped turned upside down. Everything is out of sorts, my o.c.d is setting in however my procrastination is overwhelming it. My house is a mess, my room is a mess I need to do laundry I hate my job. I miss my family and my dear friends who are only a couple records length of a car ride away. I feel like i need more time with my fiancé because it's all become so routine, day in and day out. Work, Netflix, sleep. And sometimes substitute netflix with days friends are over or asking us to hang out. Never any alone, cuddle up and talk for hours time anymore. I need more time to get chores done around the house that other people find simple and meaningless, where as I, take all the time in the world trying to muster up the energy to actually get up off the couch. That's another thing, energy, I feel like I could be eating so much better, but even that's hard. No time to make a decent dinner, no energy, no money. It's a vicious cycle and I'm not even a damn college student! Just your lame old drop out kid doing a menial job waiting for things to all work out.. Oh motivation, where are you hiding?

dilligaf.

Well i have officially done it guys, i have disappointed my mother. I never saw it coming, i never wanted it to happen but one simple action finally broke that line. My new tattoo isnt going to appeal to many people, i can already tell.. I now have the acronym DILLIGAF written in ink across my wrist. This acronym has a lot of meaning to me, its more than just the words within the letters it is an emotional state i often find myself in. When people walk by me in the streets and stare, when young men tell me "its not halloween anymore" when people in the hallways at school call me the "weird one" I often find myself with no actual second thought of caring what they think. I have faced my share of judgement in my life, but none of it has stomped me down, none of it has made me think twice about being the person i am, the down right weird human being that i truly AM. I feel as if dilligaf represents me fairly well, my mother however doesnt. But its like mothers to not care, or not understand because most of us dont tell every feeling we are having to our mothers. She doesnt know how often i am presented with judgement whether on my personality or my looks so therefor i dont think she understands how many times i have had to shrug it off. You have to be strong, you have to hold onto who you are as a person when you arnt like everyone else because sadly, even in this day in age, being strange is just not acceptable. 

never have i ever.

have you ever been staring at your computer screen, clicking back and forth from tabs, refreshing. no matter how many times you refresh nothing really changes and you start to re-evaluate your life and choices. why am i sitting here starved for knowledge?

i paid 75$ for a shirt two days ago, shipping and handling fees are a bitch when you live in canada, but im anxiously waiting its arrival like no other. i have had my eyes on this tank top for many of months now and it will finally be mine. i seem to be concidering the clothing i wear a bit more than i used to, i also seem to be investing in it more, which isnt good for the wallet but good for the soul i think. i may have finally developed some sort of style, maybe just maybe.

saint patricks day was a dud, plans got pooched like they always do on hoidays and special occasions and i had a date with my sofa instead. i cried my eyes out like a little baby and probably developed a few pre mature wrinkles rubbing the sadness away. i dont know why it is so hard for me to have a good time lately, i see so many people constantly going out and having a ball with friends but my birthday seems to be the only year people care enough to all just get along and have a good time. le' sigh.

a little more conversation.

Hello there strangers, and few friends.

Its been a while, i havent felt like writing lately because i have been very uninspired. I just signed off my name for a new lease in a new apartment with my fiance and newest best friend. My hopes are high for this to be a wonderful experience, lets see how it goes. The location is pretty far from my work, so public transport is going to be my main man. the greasy seats of that bus and i will be thick as thieves i can only imagine.. The apartment itself is a very nice place, much bigger than the tiny one me and justin are in now, the ceilings are high and thats a dream of mine, i love high ceilings. To top it off rent will be just under 300$ for each of us, which is another 50$ (or more, depending) that i can spend on food a month.

I dont know why its such a hard thing for me and justin to grasp but grocery shopping is always put off until the last minute when we really only have enough money to grab the essentials, milk bread and eggs. I need to work on this. We eat out far, far too often and i can see it in my body, and feel it in my energy levels.

I wish i could understand dreams more, why we dream the things we do but its so hard to trust all these various "dream analysis" because there is really no way of knowing. Why did he dream about me? why did i dream about her? There is no real answer but i ponder it quite often.

Its a violent revolution.

In my life today, it is incredibly easy for me to say, i LOVE who i am, who i have become, how i have grown and learned through these crazy years of my life. I can say that i was a privileged child to have such an understanding and strong mother figure in my life who not only let me become this person, but actually encouraged me to. I look around at people i once knew, changing who they are and putting on some kind of mask, changing in many ways, not always for the better. However when i look back on my life all i can see is progression to the person i am today, slow and steady on the hill upwards. Ive become such an open and loving person who is able to joke around and let loose. I have taken down many walls around me that i once held up with years of training and distrust. Tanner said to me last night as we sat alone in the darkness watching the boondock saints, " i love how outspoken you have become" and it really hit me in a beautiful way. Its true that i have let myself open up more to the people around me and i dont always have to keep my thoughts to myself because no matter how crazy they are, people usually chuckle or sometimes burst out in laughter. Ive learned that the very, very few times that people look at me with a confused face is worth the plenty good memories that have been spawned by my crazy little brain.
xx