why hello stranger, life has been full of ups and downs, but then again, when isnt it?

i feel like slowly i have been losing touch with the fun, young side of myself and i hate it. i try so hard to just let everything go and enjoy life but its in those moments that i usually find myself panicking or getting frustrated and upset. i suppose i dont understand typical teenage lifestyle. for instance, this past weekend i held a christmas party for all the close friends i have in my life at this moment, things were going pretty well for the most part, until i hear wind of two of these friends going outside to drop some acid. okay, let me get this straight, i try to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time and stay out of their business, however i planned for my christmas party to be a fun get together with friends. there is absolutely NO need for hard drugs to have fun with the people you care about.

five more sleeps, as a child i would be beaming. right now, just feels like another week. i wish i could find the moment that i gave up, it must have been recently because the christmas spirit used to be such a flame inside of me. ive been watching christmas films, keeping the fireplace channel on and lighting the tree at night but as fun as it is in the moment, the feeling fades, fast.

ill be honest, i regret spending over 120$ on the christmas party, they dont even care enough to drop by for a visit or invite me to events they plan, why do i feel the need to do these things for people who really just dont give a damn..